Mary Sues and More
by Indigo Tantarian
Summary: A collection of parody ficlets, making fun of various trends in bad or overdone fanfiction. Just because it's fun! Enjoy! Mary Sues and cliches abound!


**Mary Sues and More!**

_Author's Notes:_ If you deserve this, you should know who you are. Otherwise, enjoy the random fun! I don't own any characters except the Ankh and Scale spirits, and I certainly don't own most of the ideas for these ficlets. …Oh, and I'll work on Millennial Inheritance whenever I can think of a way for it to end!

* * *

Anzu smiled as she set her books down on her desk. She got out her homework for the first class, and turned around to say hello to her friends. "Hi guys! Did you have a good weekend?"

She was met with glares and rolled eyes.

"Um… I guess that's a no… Well did you understand the assignment in English class?" she tried again.

"Come on Tea, give your friendship speeches a break," Yuugi said in annoyance.

"…I was just wondering, because I wasn't sure about the verb conjugation…" Anzu muttered to herself, turning around in her seat. She tried to ignore her 'friends' loudly complaining about her from behind her. After a moment she got up and went to the back of the room where Bakura Ryou sat quietly taking his books out.

"Er… Bakura…?" she asked cautiously.

"Good morning, Anzu!" the other student greeted her cheerfully. She sighed in relief.

"Thank goodness! All the others won't even listen to me, and they're acting really strange! And calling me some weird name… I don't know what's going on!"

Bakura blinked, and gasped. "Oh no! I'll bet I know… Over the weekend they all got together, right?"

"Yeah… I couldn't go because I had dance auditions… But what does that have to do with it?"

Bakura nodded. "I went for a while, but I had to leave early… But just as I left, they were about to go on the computer… So I'll bet they were…"

Anzu gasped in horror. "Oh no… You don't meant…?"

Bakura sighed. "I'm afraid so… They've been reading fanfiction."

**………………………………………………………………………………**

"Malik-sama…" Rishid began, approaching his adoptive brother from behind.

"What is it, Odion?" Malik asked as he slowly gazed upwards, sprawled over the couch in a supple mass of teenage hormones.

"Er… my name is Rishid, actually… I have only been with you all your life, I hoped that I meant more to you…"

Malik blinked out of his trance of angst. "…Oh. Right, it is. I knew that." The two stared at each other for a moment. "…So what do you want, again?"

"There… seems to be a girl collapsed outside. She declared her undying love for you, and begged me to take her to you so that she could be your love slave, causing you to fall madly in love with her… and so on and so forth." The taller man reddened slightly. "What shall I do, Malik-sama?"

Malik's eyes narrowed in thought "A love-slave, hm? I don't know, I wasn't really looking for one, but… Well obviously if she says so, it must be true."

**……………………………………………………………………………**

Shadi stood perfectly still, staring at the wall.

Staring.

Staring…

…Staring…

))Are you going to actually DO anything?))

/Fate does not dictate it./

))You're collecting dust.))

/Obviously that was fated./

))More importantly, the SCALES are collecting dust! Clean them! Now!))

/I'm afraid that is not meant to be./

))MOVE, you worthless lump! NOW!))

Shadi calmly continued to stare. No Millennium Items had changed hands lately. Not even the God Cards. Alas. And if there was nothing that absolutely had to be done, well…

((Er… Shadi… I know you'd rather not be bothered… But you haven't eaten or drank in a few days, have you?((

))Or bathed, for that matter!))

/It was not meant to be, apparently./

The Ankh's spirit sighed. ((I hate it when he gets like this…((

))You can blame yourself for letting him be too lazy. I told you this would happen! Now you're the one who has to fix things. Now take over this brain-dead lump and make him bathe!))

((Yes, yes…((

**………………………………………………………………………**

The wind whistled past, rippling the coat of a certain CEO who stood in a completely enclosed room with no ventilation. He regarded his opponent with narrowed eyes.

"It ends here. When I draw my next card, you'll be sorry." He paused for dramatic effect.

Yuugi nodded patiently. "Go ahead. Whenever you're ready."

Lifting his lip in a faint snarl, Kaiba drew his card with a swiping sound, and held it out facing away from him. He smirked, and Yuugi gave a faintly uncomfortable smile.

"With this card, you'll finally meet your defeat, Yuugi. I place all my hopes into this… next… move!" He slammed the card down on his Duel Disk. It was all part of his grand plan. With Monster Reborn he would revive his Blue-Eyes Ultimate dragon, which he would split apart after attacking, and finish off Yuugi once and for all… "Return to me, my mighty Blue-Eyes Ultimate Dragon!" He laughed madly as lightning flashed and smoke gathered… though how, he couldn't imagine. That wasn't the point, though.

Kaiba was snapped out of his trance of smugness by a beeping coming from his Duel Disk. He blinked and looked down. The small display read "Not a Spell Card". The machine took that moment to spit the card back out at Kaiba. He fumbled and caught it to take a look, his eyes wide.

"...Left Leg of the Forbidden One? Who put THAT in my deck? I don't even own that card!"

"Er… maybe we should have a rematch later," Yuugi suggested. Kaiba fixed him with the most hateful death-glare he had ever used in his life.

**……………………………………………………………………………..**

From his bloody, angst-filled bed, Ryou Bakura's tortured eyes slowly rose to the other boy in the room. "P… please… No more…"

The other glanced at him and rolled his eyes. "I'm opening a window. It smells nasty in here." And he did so.

Ryou sniffled pathetically, tears rolling down his cheeks. His raw wrists and ankles no longer had the strength to strain against their manacles, which Bakura didn't remember being there before.

"I don't know who you talked into doing that to you this time, but you'd better quit it," the spirit of the Ring said, raising a critical eyebrow. "I have to live with it too, you know. It's not like the Ring accepts just ANYONE. And your stupid little friends are always coming to…" He was interrupted by frantic knocking on the door. He sighed. "There they are again. I'd better get that." He frowned fiercely as he left the room. "And clean yourself up!"

Bakura went to the door and nodded slightly to the throng of friends amassed outside. Yuugi, the Pharaoh, Anzu, Jounouchi, Honda, Miho, Seto and Mokuba Kaiba, Pegasus, Malik and his yami, Isis, Rishid, Shadi, the Egyptian priests and priestess, a few random duelists, and quite a few beautiful, perfect girls that no one really knew surged through the door as one. Bakura took a careful step to the side as the army of would-be lovers invaded the apartment.

"That's not yours," the spirit commented uselessly as Mokuba smashed a lamp. "…And I'm pretty sure he's not in there," he continued as Jounouchi ripped open the refrigerator. A pained yell from one of the random girls drew the others to Ryou's bedroom. Bakura sighed and sat down on the windowsill.

"You monster!"

"How could you do this to him?"

"You'll pay for this!"

"Just you wait!"

"We'll get you!"

"Come on Bakura-kun, we'll save you!"

"Clean him up while you're at it. And could you change the sheets? I think they're beyond cleaning," Bakura suggested calmly as he watched his hikari being carted away.

"You'll never be able to hurt him again!"

"We'll be back!"

Bakura sighed. "I know. Tomorrow. See you then. I think we need some peanut butter and rice, if anyone feels like being helpful," he called as they began to leave, still casting hostile glares back at him. "I'll see you before school then, aibou. As usual."

The Ring spirit waited for the last one out to slam the door. Then he got up to make himself a sandwich.

**………………………………………………………………………**

Brrrrrring! Brrrrrrrrrring!

Mokuba picked up the phone after a moment, smirking to himself at beating the various butlers and secretaries to it. "Hello, Kaiba residence!"

"EEEEEEEEE! Ohmygod! Ohmygod! I have GOT to talk to Seto KIABA-sama-chan!" the shrill voice screamed. Mokuba quickly held the receiver away from his ear and hung up with a disgusted snort.

"What was that, Mokuba?" his brother asked, sounding a bit bored.

"Sounded like another fangirl… Too much squealing to be a telemarketer."

Seto rolled his eyes. "Time to change our phone number again…"

**…………………………………………………………………………**

Ryou cringed as he entered his apartment. Bakura was glaring off into space. He must be in a bad mood…

"So, you're finally back, are you?" the spirit snapped viciously.

"Um… Yes."

"Why are you so late?" Bakura asked, his voice deadly calm.

Ryou blinked nervously. "Well… School always gets out at three… And it takes about ten minutes to walk home…"

"Do you know what TIME it is?"

Ryou checked his watch. "…Three-oh-eight, actually. Traffic was good today."

Bakura, steaming with rage, blinked in confusion. "…Oh." Before long he managed to work himself up into a temper again, and satisfied with that, leapt up to confront his host. Ryou stepped back a bit in surprise. Their eyes met.

…All of a sudden, Bakura's heart (and a few other parts he'd rather not mention) melted. He stopped, but unfortunately he was on the throw-rug, so he skidded across the room to crash into the wall.

"Er… Are you all right?" Ryou asked.

Bakura looked up at him, an incredibly sweet smile coming over his face. "Oh my dear, sweet, beautiful little hikari… I couldn't be better…"

Ryou blinked slowly and edged away a bit. "Um… That's nice… Bakura, are you feeling all right?"

Bakura blinked back at him as his smile fell, tears filling his eyes. "You… you're so shocked that I could treat you well…" With a massive sniffle, the thief threw himself at the confused boy. "What have I been doing to you?"

Ryou, being naturally clumsy, was pushed to the floor by the force. He struggled to breathe as the oblivious spirit of the Ring clung to him for dear life and soaked him with the huge tears flowing down his cheeks. "No, that's not… Er… Um… It's okay, really! Bakura, please! I can't breathe!"

Bakura instantly dropped Ryou, making him crack his head against the floor, and scrambled backwards in horror. "I can't stop! I… I…!"

"No!" Ryou interrupted quickly, hoping to stop this soon. "It's okay. Really. Just don't worry about it."

Bakura looked up at him pathetically, tears still overflowing. "R… Ryou…? Can you ever forgive me? For stealing and killing people? And for being mean? And setting your friends against you? And turning them into dolls? And trying to kill them so many times? And trying to steal the Puzzle? And hurting you? And strangling you?"

Ryou nodded quickly. "Yes, of course I forgive you. For that and anything else."

Bakura swallowed a sob of joy, leaping up again to hug Ryou once more. "Oh thank you! You're so nice, and I don't deserve you, and I… I love you!"

"Um… Thank you…" Ryou managed to squeak out.

"Could you ever love me too some day…?"

"…Sure!"

Bakura cried happily as he squeezed his hikari into unconsciousness.

**………………………………………………………………………………**

On the top floor of a skyscraper, a certain CEO sat signing a stack of papers. He sat back after a while to stretch and look out the large windows behind him. His quiet moment was interrupted by a squeal from his door. The security guards were trying to hold a rabid-looking young girl back. However, on seeing the room's occupant, the girl stopped short.

"…Wait! You're not Seto Kaiba!" she exclaimed angrily.

"No, I'm afraid not," Pegasus agreed in amusement. "There really are more CEOs than Kaiba-boy, and you shouldn't assume that he is the only 'certain' one."

"But… but…" the poor girl was rendered speechless at this idea that perhaps the world could contain different things than what she fantasized about.

"Now how would you feel if you had walked in on Dartz? Or Gozaburo? Or Otogi-boy?"

The girl still couldn't speak. She was starting to foam at the mouth a bit.

"I apologize for the intrusion, Master Pegasus," Croquet said with a bow.

"Not at all, it keeps the day interesting," he said, laughing as he returned to his paperwork.

**………………………………………………………………………**

Shizuka took a deep breath as she knelt down before the young man. Her whole life had led up to this point. Now, finally, she would bear her soul to him and they could live happily ever after. They would live happily ever after forever and longer, and she would bear his children. Lots of them. She sighed and gathered up her courage.

The boy in front of her glanced down as he scratched his nose.

"…I know we haven't talked much…" Shizuka began, hardly daring to look up at the other. "…I've been too shy. But ever since I saw you in the Battle City finals… I've known that you were the only one I could ever give my heart to… You're so smart and handsome, and I know we'd make a perfect match. I've seen that look in your eye… I know you feel the same way!" She took a deep breath and stood up to grab his hand. He looked back at her, mildly surprised. "Please, accept my love, and let us live together forever!"

Yami Malik regarded the girl with a raised eyebrow as he fingered the Millennium Rod. "Do I know you?"

**………………………………………………………………………**

The former Pharaoh of Egypt grinned and waved slightly at Yuugi as he walked in the door. Atemu had been watching the game shop while his host was at school. Business had been slow, so he had been spending his time looking over some websites about Japanese culture. He really wanted to impress Yuugi with his vast new knowledge.

"Hi! How was your day?" asked Yuugi cheerfully as he went to the rear of the shop to help his grandfather put away some new inventory they had just received.

"It wasn't bad. Not many customers came…" the spirit called back to him.

"Don't worry, I'm sure there'll be more now that school's out," Yuugi assured him.

"You're sure they aren't just avoiding me?"

"Of course not! I'll bet they've forgotten all about how you tried to mind-crush those kids who returned that puzzle that was missing a piece…" Yuugi said encouragingly.

The former Pharaoh smiled and glanced at his list of words from the internet, to pick out a good one. Ah, he thought to himself, this one sounds complimentary. "That's nice of you to say, koi."

Yuugi and his grandfather paused and looked at each other.

"Yuugi… Did he just call you… a fish?" Sugoroku asked quietly.

Yuugi sighed, reddening, and looking down. "…I think he's been trying to learn about Japanese culture and language again…"

"I hate to take away his computer privileges, he'd get so bored!" Sugoroku whispered.

"It's getting a bit dark in here, I'm going to turn on the yugi," the spirit called blithely, before turning on the light.

Sugoroku blinked as Yuugi desperately tried to muffle his laughter.

"We… We have to get him a dictionary…" Yuugi managed to gasp out. "People will post ANYTHING on the internet, and the poor guy doesn't know any better…"

* * *

_Endnote:_ Reviews are much appreciated!


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